Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Big Picture

“Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side”

God has been sending me this message all week long.  And lets just be honest.. its been a long, hard, emotionally draining week.  I have been carrying hurt around with me for a year or longer about friendships lost and wrecked and beyond repair.

On a walk earlier this week I was talking to my friend about my theory on people.  I see it as there are two types of people in the world.  The first type have realized that there is a huge , wide world out there with people living their lives and dealing with the trials of this world, the sickness, the sadness, the unanswered questions of why things happen.  This group of people can empathize and move outside of their own lives and try to make a difference in the live of others.  The second group of people simply cant.  

I am going to be completely transparent right now.  One of my biggest fears is that I can be that second person.  That I am that second person.  I remember the day— back when I was just a 8 or 9, that I first realized that there were MILLIONS of people around me all living lives just as important as mine, just as full of worth.  In my child like mind I felt the enormity of this.  I couldn't put words to it, but now I know what those words were— It changed the way I felt about myself, I felt humbled by this realization.  

During this time in my life, I grew closer to God.  Yes, I had made a decision to accept God’s gift of salvation as a 5 year old, but I hadn't understood fully the life changing force of God working through my life.  I have tried and tried to live a life of love, giving the underserved love that I have received to others. Please understand, this doesn't mean that over the 23 years following this epiphany I have lead a good and perfect life… this is where the fear comes in.  I know myself.  My sinful nature— the feelings of selfishness and pure meanness that overcome and flow out. 

Fast forward to the past year or so.  I have felt the loss of friendships, ones that I truly valued.  It left me asking why.  The usual answer of just growing apart jumps to the forefront, but things do go deeper.  Through two situations, I have been able to see both sides of the issue. This week has left me contemplating and second guessing everything.  The full feeling of not being enough, not caring enough, not being the person I need to be has left me feeling crippled and just not good enough to count.  My fears of being THAT second person of my theory have come to life and feel like a giant boulder on top of me.  

But this morning— I realized, staying in the middle of this storm and accepting those fears and thoughts IS being that second person.  I need to go back to that 8 year old girl who first realized that there are others feeling and hurting and doubting… and DO something about it.  That means forgiving.. truly forgiving the ones who have walked away.. who have hurt you. That means showing MORE love to those who feel wronged by you.  

I was talking to another friend this week and she reminded me abruptly and fully that God forgives and then forgets.  By moving on, mending what you can and looking for more opportunities to show His love to those around me, God can do His best work.  He can turn the brokeness of the past year and a half into something beautiful.  I am once again humbled and oh so grateful for God’s love in my life.  He loves this flawed, ugly, broken person.  Things might never be the same, and that will be OK.  God has brought so many beautiful people and situations in the past year and for that I am truly grateful.  

Maybe those relationships will never be healed. But learning from them will help me learn what to do better, how to empathize more,  and how to LOVE more.  I didn't write this for any one person, I am just hoping to help someone learn from my mistakes and, or feel the all encompassing love that God displays on His own and through His children.  Moving forward, I can only try to do better, but I have the big picture to look at, and for that I am very grateful.