Thursday, December 11, 2014

Turning the Page

This past week, a chapter in my life ended.  I am now turning the page onto a new one but it does not make it any less bittersweet.  Let me rewind a bit....

On March 1, 2014 my world came to a screeching halt when I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.  So many emotions all at once surged through me.  Unbelief, shock, fear of the unknown and worst of all, embarrassment.  I hate that I felt that last emotion... but it is the truth and I will not sugar coat it.  Ever since my third pregnancy and subsequent holy terror known as Peyton entered into our lives I have been on the receiving end of comments and questions about our family planning choices by family, friends and worst of all... complete strangers.

"You DO know how this happens?"  "Did you mean to get pregnant AGAIN?" "How do you deal with SO MANY children?" I would smile, say something deprecating about our lack of planning and move on as quickly as possible.  These things have a way of seeping through you and making you feel like you are somehow less.

Four years after Peyton's birth,  back in March I found myself at this point AGAIN.  I hid it as long as possible.. which isn't very long when you are on your fourth pregnancy.. I only told my immediate family and closest of friends.  I tried to be happy and tried not to cry.  This is crazy.. yes?  Here I am with a miracle of life inside of me, not able to be happy due to the embarrassment of being pregnant with a fourth child....

As the months moved on I got over these initial feelings.  As Mason grew inside of me and I felt his kicks and wiggles, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my love for this fourth child was strong and unchanging.  He is a gift from God and he has a purpose just as my other children have on this earth.

Once again as with my 3rd pregnancy, the comments came rolling in.  One lady even asked me out of the clear blue if I had made plans yet for sterilization after this baby was born... A COMPLETE stranger asked me this...  I smiled and changed the subject but on the inside I wanted to say some insanely nasty things to this lady who had no business asking me such a private question.

Mason came into this world reluctantly on October 13th.  9 hours of labor, 2 (yes 2) epidurals and 1 push brought forth my amazingly beautiful fourth baby.  He is almost 2 months old now and he daily reminds me that he is the sweetest surprise I didn't know I needed.

(Back to the beginning of my post now)  This pregnancy was by far my most difficult.  High BP landed me with extreme dizzy spells and then medication to try and control it.  I was on bedrest for weeks before he was induced as my body could not handle the pregnancy well.  I knew from early on this was definitely going to be our last child.

All four of my babies, top left is Maddy, top right, Travis, bottom left is Peyton and bottom right is Mason
We now don't have to worry about having a 5th child and there is an immense amount of relief that comes with that knowledge.  I am so completely thankful for the four beautiful, radiant and healthy children in our lives.  I know that while they are young especially I will still face the thoughtless and ugly remarks from unthinking people who feel the need to remark on the size of my family, but I am taking a page from my husbands book and working on not caring!

As I look on the faces of these brilliant lil monsters we call ours, I know without a shadow of a doubt that each and every one of them was meant to be here and and has a God-willed purpose to complete during their lives.  I cannot wait to start this next chapter as it is sure to be a page turner!